Give Up this Fight
by Oninekosan
Summary: Frodo gives up his fight just when Sam learns what he was fighting for. Slightly angsty.


Author: Lady Taethowen

Warnings: None really, some fluffy slash, but no sex.

Disclaimer: Yes I own them they are all mine…all mine. No, I don't own them and  
you are silly for thinking I do. They belong to Tolkien's heart and soul. I would  
also like to aknowledge Sarah McLaughlin for her beautiful words. I make no money  
ever sniff. Please don't sue me. That is all.

Pairing: Frodo/Sam

Feedback: Served hot with a side of gravy, if you don't mind.

Give Up this Fight

__

If I had the chance love  
I would not hesitate  
To tell you all the things I never said before  
You tell me its too late  
Cause I've relied on my illusions  
To keep me warm at night  
I denied in my capacity to love  
But I am willing to give up this fight.

Sarah McLaughlin "Dirty Little Secrets"

They stood, facing each other, neither of them speaking, neither of them moving. One looked into the depths of hazel-chocolate covered eyes. He saw everything he wanted to see there. The other looked into clear ice blue crystals, so intensely fierce he was afraid he might be pulled in and remain frozen there for all eternity. They did not touch each other, silence hanging so thickly in front of them it was like glass, physically blocking them from each other, making them only able to stand and gaze.

When first I saw you, Sam, I thought my entire being would melt, dripping away until I was no more than a puddle on the cold ground. You were so young, so new, yet I yearned for you, and you were more precious to me than any treasure, any jewel, any ring.  
You would work my garden; everything had to be perfect for you out there, Samwise Gamgee. No flower escaped your attention or loving care. I would hear you singing your tunes in your lovely voice. You were always under my window, whether it be my study or bedroom or kitchen. You were always right where I wanted you to be, where I was. Coincidence, I'm sure, but still enough to make my heart skip a beat when I heard you stroll up to my, no, your garden and start humming.  
I can not even express the joy that I felt when you would come inside, sometimes to wake me and sometimes to make tea. You always thought I loved seeing the sun first thing and you would promenade in, full of life and pull my curtains open dramatically. You thought I was opening my eyes for the sun, but they opened for you, only for you. I would see you, standing there in front of the window, sun lighting your golden curls and tan skin. It was all I could do not to jump up, grab you, and tell you that you were my only reason for being. You would grin at me, with your sheepish, innocent grin, and cheerfully give me a "Good morning, Mr. Frodo!" then bound out of the room, taking all your light with you. My world would become dark once more, as it always was when you were not near.  
Slowly, you became more then my gardener. You became my best friend, my only friend, and after my dear uncle departed, my only confidence. That feeling tore me apart inside, Sam. I was so close to you but still could not have you. I would do nothing, though, ever, to ruin that friendship. So I remained silent, letting you live out your dreams, biting my tongue whenever I saw you with Rosie Cotton. "She's a find lass, Sam, she'll make a good wife someday." I would say bitterly. You would not respond, just turn and smile warmly, although I always thought I saw something behind it, something sad.  
So many years, my Sam, I lived behind the shadow of my love. They called me reclusive, strange. They said I would end up like Mad Baggins, never staying in one place, always off looking for adventure and intrigue. They were wrong. I only wanted to be in one place, and it didn't matter what place that was, as long as you were there. I only wanted you.  
I'm not sure why I never told you, Sam. I was afraid, I suppose. Afraid you would love me, or worse, hate me. I was scared I would intrude upon all your dreams, of a perfect home, a perfect life. Life with me would never have been easy, or perfect. There would have always been whispers every time our backs were turned, a sneer on their lips when we passed by. I couldn't do that to you, Sam, I could never hurt you like that, even if you wanted it. Honestly, Sam, the thought of being with you scared the hell out of me, so I hid the feelings behind a mask friendly companionship.

"I love you, too." Sam's voice shattered the glass of silence between them. Frodo collapsed then into Sam's arms, and they both fell to their knees right there on the white sands. Sam held Frodo, stroking his hair gently, as Frodo had always longed for him to do. Frodo started crying, head on Sam's shoulder, shedding tears he had held back since he left across the sea. He had waited a lifetime to hear those words, and now that they were upon him a flood of emotions washed over him: love, fear, longing, hope, joy, all covering him until he was trembling in Sam's arms.  
They kneeled like that, inches apart, until the sun became low on the horizon. Sam stood, lifting Frodo with him, and they moved together in perfect rhythm. Frodo couldn't believe how well their bodies fit together, as if Sam had been made just for him. They walked until they were both so weak with emotion they fell upon a grassy knoll, lying on their sides on the ground and facing each other.  
"You waited" Sam said finally. Frodo smiled. He had missed Sam's voice so much, just his words made Frodo shiver. "You knew I would." Frodo reached up and gently moved a curl from Sam's face. "That I did."

My world crashed around me, sir, the first time I saw you standing there. I was young, I know, and maybe foolish, but even then I knew I would belong to you, and only you, always. Your face was fair and your features were long. Your skin was like marble, like I would imagine the finest statue in the world would be made of. Your eyes sparkled like jewels, the likes of which I could never have hoped to see, yet there they were, right in front of me. My reality was replaced by something else entirely, everything melted away except for you and me. I thought maybe you were and elf, lovely and graceful. Had you been only a little taller, sir, you might have been.  
"What are you doing, Samwise Gamgee, standing here like a ninny. What a silly twit he must think you are." I had thought to myself. It didn't take me long, sir, to realize you would never think that about me. I did more then serve you, I doted on you, lived my life for you.  
I would work in your garden; everything had to be perfect for you, Frodo Baggins. No flower escaped my attention, I wanted Bag End to have the finest garden in the Shire. I would see you, wondering about the house, and always try to position myself under which ever window you were on the other side of. I knew you liked my singing, so I would sing loudly for you, sometimes tunes I'd heard, sometimes making them up.  
I felt the most joy, though, when I would go in to your bedroom to wake you in the morning. I remember opening the door, causing you to smile. I thought I could die right there, sir, seeing your smile. You would yawn and stretch so that it was nearly impossible for me to resist jumping into the bed, holding your face in my hands, and telling you how much I wanted you. I knew how much you loved to see the sun. You would never open your eyes until I threw the curtains, allowing the warm glow of the sun to wash over me and spill onto you. Then and only then would you open your eyes, gazing straight at me, I could only guess because I was blocking the window. I would smile, shyly, and tell you "Good morning, Mr. Frodo!" Then hurry out of the room before you could see right through to my real feelings.  
You gave me more then I ever could have hoped for, sir. You let me into your home and gave me your friendship, your trust, and in return I gave you my complete, undying devotion. Until, that is, I met Rosie. I couldn't help loving her, sir, when I saw her at the party. She was lovely, though not as lovely as you, of course. I felt so strongly the need to hide my feelings for you that I hid them in her. Rosie was my future, I would tell myself. She could give me a family, a life I thought I wanted. You were my closest friend, sir, but I knew it would never be more than that, never what I wanted it to be. I was concentrating so hard on loving Rosie it came as a surprise to me when you said one day "She's a fine lass, Sam, she'll make a good wife someday." The bitterness in your voice couldn't escape me, sir, and still all I could do was smile sadly in response.  
All those years, sir, I lived in the turmoil of my love for you, never able to admit it, never able to deny it. They would say things about you and I would defend you in any way I had to. Sometimes I would go home with bruises or cuts, and I would have to explain to my Gaffer how I'd gotten them, usually coming up with some excuse or another. They said you would go off one day, sir, looking for adventure just like your uncle Bilbo. But you would never do that to me, sir, I know you would never leave me. More than that, though, I knew I would never leave you. I would follow you to the ends of Middle Earth, and beyond. I would never let you go where I couldn't follow.  
Yet I never told you, sir. I was terrified you would reject me, or laugh at me, or worse, be disgusted by me. I know it wouldn't have been easy, living life together, always gossip, always whispers behind our backs. But I would do it sir, for you. I would do anything for you. I know you always lived alone, never entertaining unless it was me, or Merry, or Pippin. Still I never knew your true feelings, I never knew your real intentions, so I stayed silent, shielding my emotions from you, remaining only your friend.

They lay there, all night, Sam leaning back against a tree, Frodo's head in his lap. Sam was gently stroking Frodo's hair, staring up at the stars. Frodo was gazing up at his love, finally here with him, finally only his. "Why did you follow me, Sam?" Sam looked down at Frodo, studying his face and pondering the question.  
"I couldn't be without you, Frodo. I never could imagine my life without you."  
"You knew even then?" Frodo said, tears still shining in his eyes. The stars were reflecting their light off them, and right then Sam thought he had never seen anything more beautiful in all his life.  
"I knew from the moment I first saw you, if you catch my meaning." Frodo's face lit up, making Sam's heart soar. "You never told me." Frodo whispered. "You never asked." Sam said, both hobbits smiling brightly at each other. "You put yourself in danger for me. You went through hell for me, Sam." Sam brushed his fingertips along Frodo's face. "You went through hell for Middle Earth, sir. The least I could do was go with you." Frodo looked fondly up at Sam. "When are you going to stop calling me sir?"  
"Never, sir." Sam answered. "I'll just mix in a few Frodos here and there." The hobbits laughed and Frodo realized how long it had been since he'd heard himself laugh.  
"I was out here everyday, Sam, just like I wrote. I would wake at dawn and run to the harbor, watching the ships come in and leave, never containing my heart's desire. I would wait until late into the night, when no more ships came, and I would walk home, back to the house the elves made for me. I would sleep and dream of you, often you would be here with me, happy and content, other times you were with your family. I tried to imagine what your children looked like, although I'm sure they are handsome and kind, just like their father." Sam blushed slightly, still running his fingers through Frodo's hair. "I was happy for you, Sam, truly I was. I shed no tears that you were not here."  
"I'm so glad, Frodo. I was always happy in the shire, though you did take a piece of me when you left."  
"I'm here now."  
"And I'm whole again."  
Frodo lifted his body up and leaned against the tree, his small form wrapped in Sam's strong arms. Gently, he took Sam's face in his hands and pressed his lips to Sam's. Sam willingly accepted, the first real gesture of their love. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, but when Frodo reluctantly pulled away the stars still shone bright in the sky. Frodo closed his eyes and leaned his head on Sam's shoulder, his breathing slowing.  
"Where are you going, Frodo?" He heard Sam's voice call from far off. "Where I can be with you forever, Sam. Follow me this time." Frodo said. "Don't you worry, sir, I will."

_ Dearest Sam,_

_ If you are reading this I have most likely decided to travel across the Sundering Seas. I know I will never find the courage to give you this letter; I will probably hide it somewhere in my study, never knowing but always hoping you will one day find it.  
My hands are trembling and my throat is dry. I feel as though I am speaking straight to you. I have so much to tell you, but I am writing a letter, not a novel, so I will only say what is most important.  
I'm so sorry, Sam, I never told you of my feelings. How could I, though? How could I tell you I live only for you? That my wound will never fully heal because of you? That you cause my heart to burn with the pain of years of unrequited love?  
I couldn't do that to you, my dearest Sam. I could not tell you and risk that you would love me in return, give up your wife and the children I knew you wanted so. I might have had you, but some part of you, even if it was the smallest part, would always resent me for taking that away. But more then that, I could not tell you and risk you would not return my love, because that would hurt worse than any morgul would, sting harder than Shelob's bite, and I know I would never be able to live again.  
I have decided to leave the shire because of you, Sam. Please do not be upset, I have come to realize this was my path all along, even if it is without you. I must leave so I can hold on to the hope that one day, when we both find peace, there will be nothing to keep us apart any longer. I will travel into this unknown future, to the white shores and green hills, and there I will wait, my Sam, not daring to move, even to take a breath, until I see the only thing I want to see sailing across the ocean to me. And if you do not come, never fear, Sam, I will at least be left with the memory that you lead a wonderful, loving life here, and that is all I need to die in peace.  
My most wonderful, precious Sam. I want you to know that when the stars burn at night they burn only for you, and when I see you finally sailing beneath them to me I will not hesitate to tell you all the things I never said before. Until then, my love, I am willing to give up this fight.  
I will leave you, Sam, with the only thing I have to give you now - words. I leave you with these words, simple yet so complex.   
I love you.  
_

_ I remain,  
Forever yours,  
Frodo_

One solitary salty drop of water crashed onto the parchment, but it might have been a whole ocean in Sam's eyes. He held the letter to his chest, gazing out the small window to whatever sea might be in the distance, wishing with all his soul he could see the figure standing upon the shores, waiting only for him.  
"And I remain, faithfully yours, Sam."

__

Forever is a long time, sir.  
Not long enough, Sam.


End file.
